Insight Hut #123 - What Does Grieving My Mom Your way Lord look life for me?

Today the journey started with healing ministry class at Faith Life Church with Brother Joey Woodward beginning a new teaching on "Hope in God".  Just another fine example that God leads you and gives you the insight teaching He desires to expand in you when you listen and say "Yes" to Him -- even when you don't know what you're fully saying "Yes" too!  It's always, always worth the step of faith to say "Yes".  He's never lead me wrong yet and always gets me out of or through challenges I get myself in to if I lose focus and wander a bit.  I will possibly share more about Brother Joey's teaching - however for clip notes, it covered Colossians 1 entirely and Romans 15:13 and concluded with he and his lovely wife praying with me as God brings this next season of His retreat and healing refuge from a thought (that he gave to Malachi when he was about 2 yrs old and Randy and I about that same time frame too) to a BE.  After the teaching we were speaking and I shared my quest for grieving my mom His Way and my struggle of what that looked like, Brother Joey spoke the word O death where is they sting.  I Cor 15:55.  It rang affirmative with my spirit … there was no sting in my mom's death.

So, after a refreshing rest this afternoon, I now find myself lead to Insight Hut #123.  And lead I was.  There are so many to pick from but every time I tried to settle for another Hut He prodded me on to receive His best or fullness of Insight Hut #123.  As I come up to it I can tell its not been used often.  The leaves are built up more than any of the others.  The table is covered with debris and dust webs from lack of use.  There are at least 10 other Insight Huts in view yet this one stands very much alone.  The trees are mostly young saplings with some mature but not predominant trees.  (Represents those stuck in grief mode?)

It would appear that grieving is a time or season you do alone, possibly in proximity of others grieving but each person is unique in its journey so thus alone.  You can take heart that others have been here before you and may be on the journey now so even though you're alone, you're not truly alone or abandoned.  You can walk your individual journey along side others who are walking their own personal journey.  Just keep your eyes and focus on your journey and don't compare to anyone else's!  Otherwise you might get lost in the journey of grief and stay longer than you should or need or even worse, plant your roots and remain the rest of your earthly days.

The many saplings speak a time of tenderness and newness to me.  This is a new season of life, a new start.  In the case for me its a new season …. of living as His Ambassador in this foreign land without my physical mentor, my nurturer, my comforter … my precious mother.  She's been there for me since before my first breath.  She loved me from the moment she knew God was creating me inside of her.  Okay, her thoughts and words might not have been so loving and kind when she though I was a violent flu; however as soon as she knew it wasn't the flu and wouldn't pass but be in her life for the rest of her life … SHE LOVED ME!!!  What insight and revelation of God's love to me.  Except we went from 1) being His thought to 2) BEing and there was no ill thought of flu, discomfort of sickness, no dread, no icky (technical term) feeling … just pure love, joy and delight at His creation.  Wow!  And I've been honored to be a mom and experience that intimacy of love.  Thank you God, I'm so humbled and will strive more to love fuller my family and those you bring to us to love.

So here I am again … What does grieving my mom Your way Lord look like for me?  I want to get it done and launch fully whole into this new season.  Just like my mom, I chase after Him seeking to please Him and honor Him.

So … if in doubt, look up the definition to identify or define according to some dictionary what the baseline or meaning of the word is -- it even gives you different tenses i.e. noun, verb, past, present, transferal? (I think I missed English that day!)

GRIEF:  to cause great distress or sorrow.

SORROW:  a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.

DISTRESS:  extreme anxiety, sorrow or pain.

So … here I sit pondering those definitions.  "SORROW: a feeling of deep distress caused by loss ..."  Hmmm, I didn't lose my mom.  I know where she is.  She fulfilled her assignment in this foreign land and was able to return home to hear "Well Done".  "… disappointment …" my mom's life was anything but a disappointment.  Her life walk inspired all (even sometimes when I fathered it didn't).  I experienced moments of sadness while she was till alive when I looked at the challenges of life she lived in, the abuse, the neglect, the sacrifices … but wait!  There's more!!! (And no extra shipping charge either!  God already took care of that fee.)  The Lord brought to mind we either receive our rewards and treasures here on Earth OR we store up eternal rewards and treasures in Heaven.  My mom so got that and choose an eternity of rewards and treasures rather than Earthly ones that break, have be be cleaned, replaced, moved, etc.  "… or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others."  Suffered - yeah she went through some intense pain in the flesh in the final month but her sweetness remained and she endured for  His gain praising Him through the pain and tears.  If you read her obituary then you know her passing had no part of suffering or distress and honestly -- it was so sweet and anointed it brought great joy to both Randy and I that we were witness to her eyes being opened to the Heavens and her pure vocal response in seeing her Savior and Lord, her Comforter, her Provider, her Lover and the wealth of rewards and treasures she honestly in her humility had no clue were awaiting her.

Randy and I were so humbled that He loved us and let us witness it.  That I got to hold her and kiss her goodbye as she prayed / conversed with God in a language only He understands then sang her way into Heaven while I held her physical body that housed her spirit until He received her spirit in His arms with the ultimate, long awaited hug from One who was dearer to her than any other.  No greater love have I witnessed or felt.  Even now these tears I'm shedding are tears of thanksgiving, of being so humbled that He allowed me, little (okay maybe not so much presently) ole me to hold her and hand her over to Him.  The One i know and trust.  The One who loves my mom even more than I.  Suffering or distress?  Absolutely NOT!  It was like receiving top honor or recognition … and I was just being who He created me to be, loving as He poured in to me, tending, serving the mentor He purposefully chose for me.

"DISTRESS:  extreme anxiety …" …. Nope!  We knew where she was going and it's far better than any taste of Heaven she may or may not have had on this Earth.  "…sorrow…" -- Are you kidding me?  Sorrow would have been her being stuck here after her assignment was done.  "… pain." -- We, from our first breath of birth, are guaranteed achieving at least one goal in life and that's death.  We all will accomplish it, the journey on the way is up to us and how well we live out our days on Earth.  So I  knew it was a definite goal and my mom would strive to succeed at it giving Him her absolute best -- which she did.  The only pain I've really experienced is right now and its the chill as the temperature drops and I sit outside writing this wishing I had a blanket or warm fire … but that's not grief related.

So again, I look at the definitions of grief -- the World's definitions.  They don't apply in this situation.  I know my mom and I are just His Foreign Ambassadors doing our assignment here so we can go home. This is just temporary.  I was blessed with a lifetime of her love, mentoring, nurturing, comforting me, encouraging, praying and speaking into my family - my amazing husband and awesome sons - as well as all the spiritual children and people He brought into our lives.  I was given an amazing gift of a little over 22 months to love on, honor and give back to my mom before she completed her assignment.  I played games with my mom, laughed with my mom, cried tears of joy and sorrow, prayed, prayed … and prayed with my mom .  I got to share new levels of light He imparted to me because of the high mantle she achieved and launched me from.  She lead as Jesus lead -- from behind, encouraging, supporting and launching me to be able to do all she knew and could do and even more.  She praised with me and celebrated all God has, is and has yet planned to do in our lives and ministry.  She lived through me.  She dreamed with me.  She laughed with me.  She praised Him with me.  She prayed WITH and FOR me.  I chose to honor her and celebrate her life while she was still living it.  We laughed together.  God allowed me to speak into my mom and right wrong perceptions or false truths that she was under.  We loved together.  We laughter together.  We praised together.  We laughed together.  We prayed together.  We laughter together.  His Joy was not a stranger to us.

When Holy Spirit opened my eyes that my mom had no clue the impact she had on this Earth for His Kingdom -- I began a purposeful celebration of her life by requesting friends and family to express the way my mom impacted their lives.  When the emails, cards, letters, Facebook comments began to come in, we would read them.  She looked at me and asked where all this was coming from and why.  With all the love in my heart I told her that I firmly believed she would benefit more by celebrating and acknowledging the impact she has and had on people's lives  while she was still alive rather than after she was dead.  She laughingly agreed with me.  I firmly believed in Celebrating her while she was with us and could enjoy it and laugh with us rather than later when frankly, she wouldn't care and it wouldn't matter to her.  Sooooo …. CELEBRATE mom we did.  Even during her two days of silent resting in preparation for her end of assignment promotion Holy Spirit lead me to speak all the appreciation and thankfulness for all the things He brought to mind that my mom did.  I had 48 hours of speaking into my mom's spirit and was blessed beyond blessed and could have continued on if time allowed as there was still far more she did but … the eternal rewards and treasures covered the rest.

So,  I'm finding myself thinking there is nothing to grieve.  I have no regrets or uncompleted issues with my mom.  She lives on in and through me.  She is a part of me, my husband and my sons and that is to be celebrated and praised.  I may experience moments of homesickness - but I did that while I was growing up when we were apart and we were always reunited which we will be this time too.  I am choosing to praise and celebrate my mom and laugh with her even while she is at Home waiting for me to get there.

My mom dreamed and prayed with me as God revealed to us His plans of having us steward His yet to come retreat and healing refuge.  I feel my mom's completing her assignment and going Home was/is a gift to our family so we could freely, whole-heartedly go after pleasing God by starting this new season and level of ministry.  It overwhelms me all the plans God has shared, is sharing and reveals and blows me away as I know its just a glimpse of what He has planned if we just continue to say "Yes".  My faith and belief are ever growing because as in every situation in the past, He positions us so He is strongest in our weakness allowing all the glory to go to Him.  We know what and where He is leading we can't obtain or do on our own … but our God whom we love and serve can and already has it covered. We just need to submit ourselves, say "Yes", get out of His way and hang on!  He's always provided and lead us well, far beyond anything we could imagine and He keeps expanding our ability to imagine.  Wow!

Thank you Mom and Thank you God for giving me such a role model to walk out You for me.

Let's CELEBRATE!

                                … And that's How Grieving my Mom HIS WAY looks like for me.

I wonder what Insight Hut He has in mind tomorrow and what the insight will be.  Nothing but joy and anticipation from me!

What does grieving my mom according to You look like for me? Insight Hut #150

27 October 2014

Compton Campground

Insight Hut #150

Branson MO

Today is the first day for me to be totally away from all who need loved, ministered to and whatever else since my precious mother's passing Monday, October 13, when she sung her way into Heaven and I was able to hand her over to God's loving arms at 7:17 am. Truly His Joy does come in the morning!

My amazing husband responded to my inability to be able to put healthy boundaries up (from others expectations, needs, demands, desires to love me as they wanted or needed to whether due to not knowing me and how I process or just needing to fulfill their own needs, etc) so I could center in and make sure I grieve as God intends instead of putting my needs aside for others and pushing through or burying inside. I totally, with my husband and sons agreement, gave my absolute all to my mom this past six months and almost exclusively the final month of her life with the finals weeks of not leaving her room except twice for appointments I couldn't reschedule. It was a sweet time however it also depleted my physical health.

So … here I sit in God's presence in Hut #150 in a remote county and city from home and my loved ones (I need to research that # significance as He was specific this hut, this time.) laying myself open before God at His throne asking, “What does grieving my mom look like according to You for me?”

After sitting on top the table and praying, I just sit in His beauty and … just BE. As I gaze out across the beauty of the fall foliage, trees of varying sizes and colors, He first brings into focus 3 sturdy, tall, prominent dark trees that stand out amidst the forest. The beauty and stature of the trees, out of all the many shapes, colors, statures of the trees, these three stand out predominately. I sense the closest to me represents my husband, Randy, who God has filled my life and blessed me with as a life mate. During this time with my mom he has grown and covered me like never before in my life. He has cried with me celebration tears after her passing and different times since. Like the tree, he is sturdy and tall, not perfect, not rigidly straight but purposeful and successfully focused at going ever upward to connect and be fed by the The Son, not twisted or tangled with the other trees of the forest, not handicapped nor marred by the challenges of his development.

Just beyond or past this tree are two of the same prominent type trees of just a tad smaller stature. They signify our sons, Josiah and Malachi. They are sheltered under the covering of the larger tree; however standing solidly alone in close proximity to each other as they are prepared to be predominate in the forest. They have been nurtured and allowed to develop into strong, sturdy, well-rooted trees that are no longer just under the coverage of their father tree but now in union and focused on reaching and staying in connection with The Son in their own personal relationship yet in communion with each other. They too are not twisted, gnarled or deformed. Not perfect and rigidly straight but always moving upward in growth.

I marvel at how despite Randy and I's being human, making choices and settling for less than His best, and being human battling the flesh as we strive to serve God, know Him more intimately and minister to those He brings to our lives, God has covered our sons through us with the aid of others to develop them as the mighty warriors God created them to be. Satan has been trying to wear me down by pointing out all the sacrifices and times the boys have done or gone without so we could, as a family, love on others as He leads. The times when I should have, would have, could have. Pointing out how we did't have purposeful Christlike boundaries in place so the boys and our family are/have been exposed to abusers, depleters, attackers, leeches, saboteurs, suckers, well-intended but not Christ directed deeds, busyness, etc. The burden is heavy when I allow my ear to listen to that, seeing all the errors and short comings of our choices. It brings the feeling of doom and gloom, of failing those we love the most that were given to us as our #1 mission field. Then (thank you God!) with just a breath or a blink of an eye, I choose to see with His Christ Perspective and I see how through all the challenges and abuse we all, including our sons, have grown and become stronger warriors learning from the goodness and the attacks. It has helped strengthen and develop character in each one of us. We have learned 'how to' and 'how not to' do by real life examples with sometimes Randy and I being the best examples of how not to do something! (Praise God our sons love us.) These times have taken our roots to deeper levels and continues to develop, deepen and spread out to allow us to ever continue growing and soaring in relationship with The Son. All these attacks or blights of the enemy have not marred their development but added to and expanded who they are, who we are as parents and who we are as a family. He is ever faithful.

My focus is then directed to smaller white birch and other variety trees and their colorful presence across the way. The Lord shows me as Randy and I strive continually to raise our knowledge, understanding and mantle for Christ that our sons are to launch from – the boys are being covered and raised to higher, deeper levels in Him as well. All of this and the overflow of God's love of, in and through us spreads out to help nurture, develop and feed others that God brings into our lives and ministry home. Each with their own purpose and direction that are blessed and grown/expanded by His presence in and on us that overflows to meet and fill their individual areas of need and growth. We love them all no matter their size, situation or stature. Some are thin vines that depend on others to hold them up but yet they still are intent on climbing higher. Others are bare branches, others full of leaves and fruit, some bland and some vibrant. Some have lost direction and are bent down, others have succumbed to hurts/wounds and developed no further or died completely. Through all this God shows me that we are an important part of His Kingdom. Even those that choose to give up and die bring His victory as the goodness from their nutrients from them returning to the earth help create rich soil for others to grow from. As we focus and grow in Him setting our mantle ever higher, as we grow in new light and knowledge to cover and launch our sons from … others are also fed by Him through us to the extent that they are willing to open up and receive. Some up close in relationship and others from a far just watching our walk and daily lives. What a humbling and heavy responsibility. Makes my seeking how to walk out grieving my mom His way even more important. Makes learning how to love ourselves so we can love our neighbors best even more of a priority. Makes my words and actions even more important and accountable even when I think no one is probably looking.

As I continue to delight in His revelations in nature He draws my attention to the sound and feel of the breeze. It started gently, softly moving just a few trees that were open and flexible to allow it to move them. As time continues it is growing as the wind picks up and other trees join in. It's almost like a “wave” that starts in one area and spreads to another. Like a single chorus that then develops into a musical round. The sweetness and now the beauty as the trees are beginning to sway and dance more with others joining in. The trees God showed as our family are ever so peacefully, gracefully flowing back and forth to the movement of the music. Those trees that are surrounding near and far are being nurtured, expanded and encouraged to join in more freely and vigorously in praising the mighty One. There are some who are boldly moving, those that are timid and those that are just observing the others. Each are able to learn from those that are further in development, learning how to be more open and flexible to flow with the Holy Spirit … or choose to stay stiff and unyielding, breaking under the challenges, decaying and eventually rotting to return nutrients to the ground to feed the other living trees – yet again an example of God's victory in even the darkest choices. It takes each one in their individually different levels and forms of worship to preform this beautiful display and sound of God and His mighty Love for each one of us, no matter where we are or what we have done. We each one have been specifically created from His thought of who we are and have an important part of what He is doing in His Kingdom. You do matter. He yearns for you to give Him whatever love and adoration you are capable of at the moment and loves you even when you are loving and adoring something or someone else. He is a patient God and waits with anticipation for you … even to your dying breath.

With the increased breeze I'm being lead to go seek warmer covering. So, on that note … I shall return to continue the quest of “What does grieving my mom look like according to You for me?”. Thanks to those who are prayerfully lifting me up during this journey. I love you and speak blessings for your faithfulness. Wonder what Hut # and insight He has already planned for me next!